Written on September 15th, 2020. This is a journal of my thoughts and feelings during the pandemic of COVID-19.
I’ve been having a lot of thoughts and feelings about the strange nature of time lately. Time has seemed to pass both very slowly and then suddenly quite quickly to a point where I almost feel disoriented.
I think a lot of people have been feeling this way during the pandemic. The normal markers of time have all been disrupted or changed to a point where our brain isn’t very good at recognizing them. Our habits, our schedules, our routines have been uprooted. We are sort of traveling without a map, we don’t know where we are going or what’s coming up ahead.
It’s hard to believe that we have been in pandemic times for 6 months now, half of a year. Or maybe it’s just hard to accept it. The year is in its later half, it is slowly drawing to a close, and yet it feels like it never really got to start. I still have moments where I can’t believe this is still happening, frustrated that it’s not over yet.
I’m sitting in my living room as I write this. Looking out the window the light has shifted, the leaves are changing. And I am wearing the same sweater that I wore for my first ever covid chronicles 6 months ago, the one in the picture above. I’m wearing it today because it is getting cold out again, just like it was at the beginning of these Covid times. Although the year is not done yet, it almost feels like we’re coming full circle.
We’re coming into a season of change and transition. The fall is arriving. This has always been a time where I feel reinvigorated, a sense of a new start, the last hurrah of the year, and excitement leading up to the holidays (Thanksgiving, Halloween, and Christmas). I love this season.
This year I’m feeling a big messy mix of happiness and some of the normal excitement, but also sadness. It won’t be the same this year and that’s hard. It is also hard to feel a sense of renewal when life still feels like in so many ways it is on pause.
I think maybe because of this distorted sense of time, I definitely feel like I am back to a more turbulent emotional cycle. The steady and predictable slow of the summer is gone and it’s back to a busier season with work really ramping up again. I have been feeling scattered, a bit frantic. I have definitely had to take a few extra deep breaths in these last 2 weeks and remind myself to not get overwhelmed. Remind myself not to allow panic to set-in even when it feels like time is slipping out of my fingers.
I posted this on my Instagram stories the other day,
Remember today is just the beginning. And beginnings can feel overwhelming. One day at a time.HBL
And that is something that has really resonated with me in the last few weeks and that I am trying to live into. I have been battling anxiety, nervous energy, and a very busy work life and have needed to really remind myself to slow down.
My writing has really brought me a sense of happiness though, and an outlet for my running thoughts. I have really been inspired and enjoying creating the pieces I have put out. I feel like my writing is coming easier and I am developing a sense of my style.
I have so many plans that I am working on for this blog and that is something I am feeling motivated and positive about (even if I am also intimidated by the process!). I am trying to reassure myself that good things take time to grow, and that nothing happens overnight.
In this season there will be joy, there will be comfort to be found in the familiar, there will also be more hardship. And even if we don’t always see it, time will keep ticking, no faster and no slower than before.