An update on my mental and physical health.
I want to be as transparent as I can with my writing while also balancing what is public, and what is private. But unfortunately, there are no sheer curtains one can buy for content on the internet so I’ll just have to use my gut and share what I’m comfortable with as I go.
I have been struggling, a lot. I have been dealing with some difficult health challenges for the last few years, but things have gotten harder in the last few months. I’ve recently had a new diagnosis that I am dealing with and an older one that I still haven’t come to terms with (and am still going through treatment for).
It’s hard. These diagnoses have challenged my identity, my sense of self, and where I thought my life was going. To be honest, right now I don’t know what the future holds. The physical problems are no fun either of course. They effect my energy, my ability to do the things I love, my fitness level, and my overall stamina. The discomfort, pain, and feeling ill most of the time is exhausting and disheartening.
But how it affects my mental health is worse than how it affects me physically. I’m grumpier, anxious, I’m sad about the things I can’t do, and more than anything I find myself angry. And angry, is a new and somewhat foreign feeling for me. I am not generally an angry person.
Before sending me miracle cures, or trying to guess my diagnosis, just know that these are chronic long-term health issues with no “cure”. I’ve seen doctors and specialists and these are things I will have to live with for the rest of my life.
While all of that really sucks, and makes me angry often, I also want to acknowledge my privilege. I am not dying, these problems won’t kill me and I am still very “able”. I am grateful and try to remember that every day because neither of those are a given in this life.
As the pandemic slows, and everyone else seems to be happy and getting ready to go out into the world, I’m reminded even more that everything is not going well and I can’t fully join in on the fun.
I’m learning to live with a new future that I had no expectation of, and I’m still grieving the future I didn’t get to have. It’s taking me longer than expected to grieve this loss, and I’m learning to be okay with that. Grief is something that comes in so many shapes and sizes I’ve learned and they all hurt. To read more about grief, Positivity Won’t Erase Your Grief, and, What the Hell is Grief Anyway?.
So, I’m struggling right now. Every day is hard. I’m mad and kind of unhappy with life right now, for now. I wanted to peel back the curtain of perfection often put out by bloggers and those on social media and remind you of a few things today.
- If you see other people living the perfect life and yours looks nothing like that, you are not alone.
- If the pandemic wasn’t the only hard thing in your life, you are not alone.
- If you’re feeling angry that life can be so damn hard, you are not alone.
- If you’re grieving, anything at all, you are not alone.
- If you don’t know what you’re doing, you are not alone.
- Whatever you are feeling right now, you are not alone.
My writing, although sometimes hard to do when fatigue hits me, helps. I am trying when I can to pour out these feelings and sort through them to share with you. Because together, we can do more, and sharing helps us to connect in these difficult feelings even across the globe. Together we can weather this journey. If you want to read more about how important it is to share our negative emotions, Why Negative Emotions are Important for Wellness.
So, although I’m hurting and struggling, I will keep sharing and posting. I can’t know what I’ll write but hopefully it will be helpful to you.
I hope if you are struggling like me right now, you can find some comfort in these words. We can get through this, one tiny step, one moment, one breath at a time.